Archive for August, 2010

Has your heart just been broken…I have good news for you…it wasn’t your heart; it was that beautiful illusion that you created for yourself and believed in. It was a fairy tale inside your brain that you have been waiting to come true since you remember yourself being able to fall in love.

It feels good to create an illusion.  According to the dictionary, illusion is “something many people believe in that is false”.

You think about the man who happens to be so different from all your other unfortunate experiences and in your own mind every day when he makes you feel good, you “make” him more and more attractive.

In a while, he becomes so perfect that you even can’t see him as real anymore. Plus, you absolutely do not want to face the reality; you like your own creation because it’s so close to that Prince Charming we all have been waiting for since preschool.

Did everything start with that intense click that was more like electricity between you two? And now you are sitting and thinking about the dozens of sweet, flirty, sexy text messages and phone calls you enjoyed so much.

Do you remember what happened to you when he said the words you have dreamed to hear for such a long time? And, of course, you lost your sense of reality right away…

Do you remember the feeling of relieve we women have when we realize that the dating game is over and we can have the relationships…real, normal, happy, and healthy relationships we are programmed to have…Our society, grandmothers, and mothers did a very destructive job by telling us that there is nothing more important than to “live happily ever after”…

However, let’s face the reality now (if you would like to move forward to real inner happiness you have to face it anyway). This great, amazing Prince Charming was created in your personal video game of imagination and all pain you feel now is because the “game is over.” Your illusion is broken, your ego is hurt, and your most hated dating game is still in the near future (unless you would like to give up forever).

Meeting a real man who would be everything we dreamed about is like using the aircraft for traveling – we all know that aircrafts exist but very few people actually were inside.

However, we can’t fight our female nature and kill the hope of complete happiness…We have to just…accept the situation, do a mental inventory, convince ourselves to move forward and…actually start moving.

You should not let your heart be broken. You have to train your heart and grow it so big that when a break up will occur (and nothing lasts forever in this life, remember?) you will be totally prepared to give up the piece of your heart to this man. You should be able to give him not only the part of your heart, but also a lot of your love without any regrets and hesitations.

When you will be able to do that, you’ll become wiser, better, and most importantly a more experienced person who would deserve to be loved more and more each time this happen. Then, eventually when you are truly and genuinely ready to love, to share, to give without being selfish, the Universe will send you the one…who will save you from that “dating game” for the rest of your life!

• “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” – Unknown

• “If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.” – Unknown

• “If you really love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be.” – Unknown

• “Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” – Unknown

• “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – M. Kathleen Casey

• “Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.” – Unknown

• “If you really love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be.” – The Indecent Proposal

• “You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to feel again.” – Unknown

• “I don’t miss him. I miss who I thought he was.” – Unknown

• “Breaking up is a natural evolution when you try to figure out what you want in life.” – Usher

We had a very bad break up, how could I fix it?” is a very common question. Please don’t trick yourself with the addicting word, “bad”. Just face the fact that your relationship just ended.

What if you had a good break up? Imagine that your man who you spent a few years with you and who you loved to death invited you to a five start restaurant, giving you a present and saying, “you are the most beautiful and smart woman I’ve ever met, goodbye forever.” And you would answer “Thank you for the beautiful dinner, goodbye” and leave with a smile. Now that is what I call a happy end.

Well, I’m sure a “bad break up” for you means at least a couple of scratches on his face, throwing a few dozen items at him, a couple hundred curses, and a at least a thousand uses of the same words during “girls night out” describing his behavior and personality.

Now, stop blaming yourself and him for a second. You broke up. The end. This is not the end of your world, but the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Personally, I love break-ups. Not that I’m enjoying them as an activity, but I like to remove sad feelings and feel excited about the near future and a figurative new life. As soon as you emotionally clean up the space, something better will show up.

The end of an old relationship means a new and better relationship. While reading this, you might become angry and sarcastic. You might  say “what is she talking about, he was my only chance because he is…blah blah blah.: Yes, if you will become negative, angry, non exceptive, self destructive, and a mean witch who can’t look at a happy couple, then I agree. You will continue to swim in an ocean of pity and negativity and there will be no future.

I keep repeating this phrase in each and every article on purpose. Like attracts like! That’s why, first of all, you have to stop using the word, “bad”. If you weren’t civil during the break up, it means that you need to do some work on your personality. And if you are serious about going towards happiness and meeting your true soulmate, then you will work on yourself.

But now your main goal is to get over the break up. And the first thing you’ll do is stop using word, “bad”. Time cures everything. You never know, maybe in six months you’ll see the person who you hit with a frying pan yesterday. You might be already wearing an engagement ring, you’ll apologize, and you both will laugh.

As soon as you stop using word, “bad”, you have to accept that a “break up” happened and it’s something you have to live with. Trust me, a break up isn’t any worse than an earthquake, immigration, or death. Many people live with those events and learn how be become happy again. If they could, you can too, it’s just a question of what you want. Being happy is a constant work, but it gives you happiness and joy. Being miserable is easy, but…you’ll be miserable.

The bottom line is that it does not matter what label your break up has. It happened and you have to become constructive.

Here are 5 things that you need to do in order not to feel bad about a “bad break up”

1) A break up is a break up and the labels, “good” and “bad”, won’t bring back your love.

2) Nothing lasts forever in this world.

3) You have to accept the fact that the break up took place. Acceptance will help you move on.

4) Even you didn’t behave like a lady, just forgive yourself. Learn your lesson and never repeat it again.

5) Every circumstance means different things for different people. For someone, “bad” means not getting a goodbye kiss and for someone else, “bad” means getting drunk and almost killing an ex. Just let it go. Life will straighten everything up, this is the purpose of life…

“Never run after a bus or after a man because there will always be another one!”

The last “good bye” was said (or sobbed, screamed, etc.), now what?

I know exactly how you feel…I’ve been there and I pulled many young ladies out of there. I know what you want to do now, and ONLY if you want to get stuck in this terrible condition for a long time, can you cry, drink, eat comfort food, call up your “group of support from girlfriends, gay friends, and relatives” and listen to “I-told-you-he-is-a-jerk” opinions for days. Oh, romantic movies and music with antidepressants would complete the picture. And you can stop reading this post right here.

However, if you WOULD LIKE TO FEEL GREAT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and move forward, you have to stick to the “I WILL BE THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD” plan.

I always compare going through a break up with losing weight because it is easy to gain and absolutely hard to lose.

It’s easy to let yourself go and swim in love, and hard to accept the fact that it’s over. So, you should

1. Accept that “this is over”.

2. Realize that this is YOUR LIFE and YOUR LIFE is about YOUR HAPPINESS, and YOU ARE in charge of making yourself happy.

3. Stop going inside your head from picturing thousands of ways to murder your ex to imagining your three beautiful kids graduating from the college if you (didn’t do, didn’t say, didn’t want, or he didn’t do, didn’t say, didn’t ….)

4. Understand that like attracts like so if you are sad, angry, or jealous you’ll get more of the same, so you need to stick to something that makes you feel good.

5. Stop “spreading the dirt on the glass” – chewing the broken heart gum and talking to friends. You’ll have an aftertaste after those conversations anyways.

6. Know that it will take time to get over, and this is the perfect time for doing something good. Remember, behind every successful woman stays someone who has pissed her off.

7. Be familiar with the concept that it’s not a good idea to date someone else at this “recovery time”. You won’t meet the love of your life – just attract another sad individual who’d match your own feelings.

8. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Yes, you lost your boyfriend/husband but some people lose their own lives, and people they love.

9. Figure out what you hated in your ex and what you hate in men in general. Write it down. Now based on what you’ve written write what you want. Isn’t this person is much better then your ex? Just wait, if you really want a person like this, you’ll attract him eventually.

10. Resize your ego. 99 percent of the break up is not about losing him but is about getting hurt. The bigger your ego, the longer the recovery.

Congratulations, he invited you out.  This is your first date. You look polished and chic. You both feel a spark of chemistry. Before the first round of drinks gets to the table, you already imagine how cute your mutual kids will be. Did you invision your wedding dress and honeymoon as well? Wake up!
The first date is all about getting to know each other. You won’t move either if sex is your only mutual interest. Men DO want to have a great girlfriend, but in order to become that girlfriend he has to like your personality as well as your body.

Question NOT to ask on the first date if you are looking forward to something serious:

1)    How much money do you make?
2)    What car do you drive?
3)    Do I look fat in this dress?
4)    Are you looking for a serious relationship or just fun?
5)    How many kids do you want to have?
6)    When was the last time you had sex?
7)    What does your medical record look like?
8)    Do you date other women?
9)    Do you like shopping?
10) Tell me about your ex.

Questions you SHOULD ask on the first date.

1)    What are your hobbies?
2)    Did the Lakers win yesterday?
3)    What’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
4)    Do you like dark beer?
5)    Would you ever consider jumping with a parachute?
6)    What’s your favorite joke? (Please tell me)
7)    What’s your favorite band/movie?
8)    If you had unlimited possibilities what would you like to do?
9)    What’s the worst thing that can happen on the first date?
10) If you could have one date with any celebrity who would it be?

“Can I remain friends with my ex? “

Well, you can do whatever you would like to do after break up because you have only one life and it’s your choice how to live your life after the end of relationships.

But please, don’t trick yourself. Asking about being friends with your ex, women most of the time really mean if it’s ok for them to see their exes and play it cool with very secret hope of “winning” their ex back.

Now let’s figure out what do you really want. Do you want to be happy? Then you should remember that life is about moving forward, not backwards. Do you want to scratch your ego? Some women spend tons of efforts and energy on getting ex back only to serve to their huge ego. Would those women reach happiness at the end?

When I’m asked if someone should remain friends with her ex, I usually ask back, “should you eat cakes three times a day to lose weight?” If your main goal to heal your broken heart, become happy and move forward toward real love you deserve, then being friends and seeing your ex will keep you stuck in the unresolved situation.

Personally I believe in friendship between exes only in very rare situations. The friendship is possible when both ex partners have no romantic feelings and/or sexual attraction. Instead, they would have many mutual interests. But if you still have feelings for your ex, then cut the communication and run away.

If you are the one who dumped your ex, then first of all I’m not sure how you ended up on this site and second of all it won’t be fair toward your ex. What means “friendship” for you, might mean “false hope” for him.

Even in regular life I believe in friendship between man and woman only if there is no mutual attraction. If one person is secretly hopes to win another person over, it’s not exact definition of friendship. As a wise man told me once, “The friendship between man and woman is called a relationship…and if the friendship is becoming too strong, then it gets upgraded to marriage.” I agree with that man, but again, it’s my personal opinion plus lots and lots of experience (mine as well as my clients)

There is a little “friendship story.” I’ll call people I’m going to talk about “The Guy” and “The Girl.” In the beginning they had a mutual friend, but then became friends in their own. When they met, they liked different people and had no chemistry what so ever. “He is a great guy, I wish I could feel something,” thought The Girl who was so much into another, emotionally unavailable guy.

The Guy and The Girl spent lots of time together and even went on a trip. They were happy, enjoyed and respected each other’s company, shared secrets, discussed their dates, laughed a lot, called each other any time they wanted, went out almost every weekend…till one time the guy made a move.

To make long story short…they had sex. Then they started to date because they hoped the situation to work out.  Then they broke up because in reality they still both liked different people. The break up was painful, and they never could be friends again.

Of course, each particular situation is different and there are no general opinions and rules. However, if you would like to quit smoking it’s better not to carry cigarettes. If you want to heal your broken heart is safer to stay away from your ex. If he’s “the one” for you, he wouldn’t be called your ex by now, would he?”

Reason #5 – What the hell did you fall in love with anyway?

When did Prince Charming become selfish, cruel, mean and disrespectful to you? When did you start blaming yourself for the misery he was causing you? He made you feel as though your problems with him were your fault. He brainwashed you into believing what he wanted you to believe about him – that he was a nice, generous, kind, funny and loving man who could never hurt you.

This doesn’t mean that you were a stupid person. You were just a woman with a warm heart and open arms wanting to love a man and to be loved for who you are.

Have you ever bought yourself something expensive – like a new car or a diamond ring? Remember how those sales people treated you the minute you walked through their door? They were ready to kiss your feet, but you made them to kiss your ass to make a sale.

As soon as you handed over your money, the sale was completed and out the door you went, and wham, they could not care less about you. Of course, not all sales people are so cold. Some would provide you with their best service for as long as you own that car or wear your diamond ring.

Were you getting the “best service” from your boyfriend? Or was your Prince Charming occasionally offering his Monthly Special, like dinner and a movie on the last Saturday of the month? The Monster who spent the other thirty days the month with you was revealing his true character to you the entire time you were together but you refused to trust your instincts that told you something was wrong with him.

What do you want from a man? A Monster for thirty days and a Prince Charming for 24 hours? Don’t you deserve Prince Charming each and every day of your life?

If you want that Monster, then be my guest. You can stop reading now. You can always read this later after he breaks your heart all over again.

• “You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.” – Unknown

• “True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.” - La Rochefoucauld

• “There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.” – La Rochefoucauld

• “Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.” – Unknown

• “We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first.” – Anonymous

• “Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.” – French Proverb

• Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones

• “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle