Written by Lana ~ The first time I laid eyes on my ex, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. Although after thinking about it for a minute I realized that I haven’t really seen much of the world. I was also chubby and in the middle of a weird phase, so we didn’t hit it of right away. We did become good friends though, and that lasted for two years, during which I lost weight, grew and dyed my hair, and changed my personality quite a bit.
Then, on a normal night of pigging out and watching movies at his house, he kissed me. I could lie and say it was the best kiss in the world, but honestly, the first thing that popped into my head was: “Really? This is what I’ve been waiting for?” I felt nothing, but since I waited for that moment for years, I let myself keep doing it for the next couple of weeks until it consumed me.
After we started officially dating, I gave him my body, and thought we would be together forever. I never imagined my best friend would deceive me in any way, and when it happened the first time, I forgave him without even thinking about it. “It was just a kiss” he said. So I continued to let myself fall deeper.
We did everything together, and I really thought he needed me, until the first time he said “I just don’t feel like having a girlfriend right now.” This break up had me crying for weeks, and on the days I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I called him to hang out “as friends”. Of course to him it was a chance to have sex with me without dealing with commitment.
Finally I got the strength to stay away from him for a couple weeks and before I knew it he wanted me back; I took him back without giving it another thought. Throughout our three year relationship he broke up with me the same way over twenty times and every time, when he came back I gladly accepted him.
Probably because I didn’t think anyone would love me the way he did; I was wrong. Not only was I wrong about that, I was wrong about him, because when I finally got the courage to snoop through his text’s I found the answers I tried so hard to deny in my head.
Yes, he was texting other girls, including his ex girlfriend who he had slept with behind my back numerous times. I was so devastated and furious that I stormed out of his house and told him to never speak to me again. Not too long passed before he was at my door again; this time with flowers. They were so beautiful I had to take him back, but even pretty flowers couldn’t keep us together for long and subconsciously I never really forgave him.
After our third year of breaking up, making up, lying, cheating and pretending that we were okay I went on vacation. I only spent a week in Hawaii with one of my best friends but for some odd reason when I got back home I just didn’t love him anymore. He tried all his old tricks on me but they no longer lit up my heart, and I knew I had to move on.
Sometimes I got lonely and other times when he came to me crying I wanted to just hug him and tell him that everything is okay, and I love him too, but that was no longer true. It’s been years since my break up, and now it’s very hard to look back and understand why I spent so long crying when I could have been happy, but that’s just life I guess.
Finding happiness is easy. “Yeah, right,” you might think to yourself. “If it was that easy, the world would be full of happy, smiling, problem-free people.”
How to Find Happiness – The 5 Main Steps