Getting Over A Break Up

Written by Lana ~ The first time I laid eyes on my ex, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. Although after thinking about it for a minute I realized that I haven’t really seen much of the world. I was also chubby and in the middle of a weird phase, so we didn’t hit it of right away. We did become good friends though, and that lasted for two years, during which I lost weight, grew and dyed my hair, and changed my personality quite a bit.

Then, on a normal night of pigging out and watching movies at his house, he kissed me. I could lie and say it was the best kiss in the world, but honestly, the first thing that popped into my head was: “Really? This is what I’ve been waiting for?” I felt nothing, but since I waited for that moment for years, I let myself keep doing it for the next couple of weeks until it consumed me.

After we started officially dating, I gave him my body, and thought we would be together forever. I never imagined my best friend would deceive me in any way, and when it happened the first time, I forgave him without even thinking about it. “It was just a kiss” he said. So I continued to let myself fall deeper.

We did everything together, and I really thought he needed me, until the first time he said “I just don’t feel like having a girlfriend right now.” This break up had me crying for weeks, and on the days I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I called him to hang out “as friends”. Of course to him it was a chance to have sex with me without dealing with commitment.

Finally I got the strength to stay away from him for a couple weeks and before I knew it he wanted me back; I took him back without giving it another thought. Throughout our three year relationship he broke up with me the same way over twenty times and every time, when he came back I gladly accepted him.

Probably because I didn’t think anyone would love me the way he did; I was wrong. Not only was I wrong about that, I was wrong about him, because when I finally got the courage to snoop through his text’s I found the answers I tried so hard to deny in my head.

Yes, he was texting other girls, including his ex girlfriend who he had slept with behind my back numerous times. I was so devastated and furious that I stormed out of his house and told him to never speak to me again. Not too long passed before he was at my door again; this time with flowers. They were so beautiful I had to take him back, but even pretty flowers couldn’t keep us together for long and subconsciously I never really forgave him.

After our third year of breaking up, making up, lying, cheating and pretending that we were okay I went on vacation. I only spent a week in Hawaii with one of my best friends but for some odd reason when I got back home I just didn’t love him anymore. He tried all his old tricks on me but they no longer lit up my heart, and I knew I had to move on.

Sometimes I got lonely and other times when he came to me crying I wanted to just hug him and tell him that everything is okay, and I love him too, but that was no longer true. It’s been years since my break up, and now it’s very hard to look back and understand why I spent so long crying when I could have been happy, but that’s just life I guess.

Facebook ruins relationships – this fact is sad, but true. A broken heart logo can be incorporated in multiple profiles; as a matter of fact it would be great for the statistics.

The contemporary puzzle of dating and relationships is complicated enough to put it together and make it work. With pieces that don’t fit, get broken, or belong to different puzzles, it’s hard to do. Facebook provides a great opportunity to take dating and relationship complications to the next level.

Keeping your hand on your ex’s pulse, fishing for a new romance in someone else’s pond, flirting with someone’s fiancée, boyfriend, or husband (girlfriend, wife), checking her ex’s new flame and his (her) surroundings, making someone jealous, etc. This is just the beginning of the list of real activities.

With 500 million Facebook users where the average user has about 130 friends, 250 million people log on every day. 48% of 18-34 year olds check Facebook when they wake up, with 28% doing so before even getting out of bed. Over 700 billion minutes a month are spent on Facebook*.

Facebook has become a home for teenagers and a playground for adults. While teens like to share each and every action with “puppy joy” and innocent smiles on their faces, adults tend to use new toys more strategically.

Facebook is the new CNN for personal use where people can create and deliver their own information and news to their acquaintance circle. Of course, many serious people use Facebook for business; no doubt about it, but in the world of dating, relationships, break ups, and broken hearts, Facebook has become one of the most powerful weapons that is used constantly used.

With 46,256,040 (18.49%) males and 57,481,100 females (54.03%) over 18+ years old, there are 19,670,180 (18.49%) singles, 13,106,220 (12.32%) in a relationship, 2,833,280 (2.66%) engaged, and 30,761,820 (28.91%) married.**

Can you imagine how huge the field for strategic conscious and subconscious manipulations really is?

5 Ways People Use Facebook in the Dating World

1. Stay informed about their exes.

The amount of people constantly checking the pages of their exes is scary. Tons of beautiful pictures where happy people are having fun, in reality, are posted with one simple purpose – to get the attention of one specific person and make him (her) jealous or show that he (she) is not missed anymore. While people constantly and start new relationships all of the time, the power of exes is underestimated. It takes at least one rebound relationship (sometimes more) to forget about that special person.

2. “To Facebook” new flames.

Facebook has become the new Google for getting information (use the information together mindfully, and you will be almost trained for a career as an FBI agent). You can learn a lot by reading someone’s profile and interests, as well as checking out his (her) friends, statuses, and pictures. The compete list of favorite movies and music will give you an extended insight on his (her) character. You don’t need an advanced degree in psychology to figure out their personality.

3. To communicate with someone indirectly.

Sure, women do it more often than men, but women are extremely creative. If wo men apply the same amount of creativity and dedication that they apply to dating and relationships to their jobs and studies, America probably wouldn’t be in the current economy crisis.

We all know examples of a girl who would spend money on shopping, doing her hair, and makeup, going out to some events only to put her picture on Facebook where she has 500 friends she could care less about, but…there is that one  particular person she is in love with. So she would jump through all those hoops with “Facebook self marketing” just to get his attention.

4. To destroy someone else’s happiness by discussing sensitive topics with people in front of thousands of other people.

5. Reaching people you wouldn’t be able to reach without having access to Facebook.

THANK YOU, FACEBOOK, FOR EASY WAY OF FINDING THE TRUTH…IT WON’T BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU!

*   http://www.digitalbuzzblog.com/facebook-statistics-stats-facts-2011/

** http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=4

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“Am I his rebound girl?” you might be asking yourself in the beginning of a new relationship. Being a rebound girl is much worse then being a rebound guy. Don’t let illusions trick you. If he was in a relationship recently, be very alert, especially if his beloved ex girlfriend or wife dumped him. I suggest that you walk away from him as soon as you understand that you are his rebound girl.

Yes, he will be hurt even more. However, if you won’t leave him, he will hurt you. If you are a Mother Teresa who is looking to save lives…be my guest and keep dating him (you can even let yourself believe that you will make him forget his ex). If your ultimate goal is to get married and live happily ever after, move on.

How to Find Out if You Are a Rebound Girl

1) Ask questions – don’t be afraid. You have absolutely nothing to lose, except your valuable time. Ask if he’s ever been in love…ask how long he was been with his ex and why they broke up. Ask what his ex is doing now (attention, if they just broke up and she is already in a relationship, there is a huge chance that he’s been dumped and he has a broken heart).

2) Look for evidence – pictures in his place, in his computer, or his phone. Ask him if he has his ex’s picture (if he has it in his phone it’s not a major red flag).

3) Ask if he is “friends” with his ex or if she is friends with his friends and family.

Women have a tendency to think that they have to be subtle in order to not scare a man away. Guess what? If your man decides to leave you, he will leave you.

There is a huge difference between being a rebound girl and a rebound guy. Guys might even like the idea of being a rebound friend. If they are not looking for a serious relationship, they might simply enjoy a win–win situation where a girl is getting her self-esteem lifted and her time filled with sex and other “look like relationship activities.”

However, women are wired differently. Very few women are looking for casual sex and dating. Most women see dating as awful, but unfortunately a necessary process that will lead to “living happily ever after and dying on the same day holding hands.”

Therefore if you see the following red flags, you should leave ASAP.

1) He just ended a long term relationship.

2) He ended a relationship a long time ago, but still really misses his ex.

3) He talks about his ex a lot.

4) He says really bad things about his ex (it’s even worse; it means that he’s been hurt and that he is not a gentleman).

5) He has pictures of his ex in his place, computer, and phone.

6) He has his ex’s belongings in his place or his car.

7) His ex is still very close with his mom, sister, or best friends.

8) He points to females on TV who are the same type as his ex.

9) Drinking and sex are the two primary activities you two do together.

10) He is not in a hurry to jump in a serious relationship any time soon because he is not ready, he wants to establish himself professionally, “it’s not you, it’s me, baby”, etc.

Remember, there are many more emotionally available men out there and you need to respect and love yourself in order to not get into the “rebound girl” trap.

• As soon as he will recover, he will leave you because you will always be a reminder of his break up, broken heart and the pain he went through.

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How bad is it to be a rebound guy? What are your chances that a girl will really like you and eventually fall in love with you? Will she dump you as soon as she will recover of her break up and broken heart? As soon as she wants her ex back? All of those and other questions are probably spinning in your head when you met someone just out of a relationship.

There are good news and bad new for you. The good news is that your woman is in a very fragile emotional condition and if you play your cards right, you might eventually win her over and prove that you are much better then her beloved ex.

The bad news is that in the beginning you will be constantly compared (consciously and unconsciously) to her ex. After a break up has taken place and someone’s heart has been broken, this person’s mind might play a very mean trick – all bad memories might be erased while all great memories might be brought on the surface. That is when the “terribly missing ex” part begins.

Can a rebound guy be “promoted” to the only one? The answer is “absolutely yes”, but it does not happen every time. It is more of an exception.  Sometimes a guy does not even realize what is going on. He might have no clue that he is a rebound guy, especially if a woman keeps most details of her previous relationship for herself

So how would someone recognize that he is a rebound guy? There is only one way to go about it – you have to keep yourself informed. You should not be afraid to ask questions. If a woman had her heart broken, she would be more than willing to talk about her former relationship and her ex. If she is too smart and avoids the topic completely, you would still get the sense that something happened from her friends and family.

Another common question is how much time should pass between her break up and her recovery. Well, if she was really in love and she broke up one to six months ago, chances that she is still mourning about her ex are pretty strong. If you don’t want to be her rebound guy, you have to make sure that she already dated (and preferably had sex with) someone after her break up. Then your chances to involve her emotionally are much stronger. Remember, you have no control over a woman, unless she is emotionally intrigued and involved.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, but you understand that she is heart broken and not emotionally available, then the best way is to move on and find someone else who could appreciate you more.

However, if you are not looking for a serious relationship right away, then being a rebound guy might be a win–win situation for both of you. She needs to receive support, increase her self-esteem, erase painful memories, and have a good time. You need to have a good company who will not be emotionally attached and needy. It might work for both of you.

Therefore, if you are a rebound guy and you are fully aware of the situation and agree with it, you have to remember one thing. You have to be gentle, kind, and generous. Don’t be another jerk who gives false promises and runs away. It is better to not say anything than say tons of words and not keep them. Remember, traumatizing a heart broken person is as bad as damaging the emotions of children or elderly people. It will bring you bad karma.

If you decide to be a rebound guy, be gentle. If you date a woman and find out that you are the rebound guy, then you have to think twice before making your decision.

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Any break up is hard but being dumped on New Year’s Eve is a tough and completely cruel experience. The email below is from a woman who had her heart broken on New Year’s Eve.

“I want to heal my broken heart as quickly as I can. How should I move on? I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. He broke up with me on New Year’s Eve without any reason. I’ve treated him like a king and loved him more than I loved myself for the last four years. Even though sometimes he treated me like an animal, I always forgave him. Please, help me. I need some advice. What should I do about my hurt feelings?”

Broken Heart 911 Comments

It is an amazing thing that you would like to heal your heart fast and reached out for help. Your email is very short and we don’t have much info to comment on, so we’ll try out best…

• In order for you to heal your broken heart, you need to understand the real reason why you were dumped. Just a quick glance at your letter shows that you have no idea why he did it. “I loved him more than I loved myself” – this is one of several reasons described in the “Broken Heart 911” e-book along with the “dumping formula.”

• You said that “he treated you like an animal”…well, it’s pretty self-descriptive. You should ask yourself, “Would I like to be treated like an animal again?” Then you should answer honestly. Yes, there are people who enjoy suffering, but I am not the right person to advise those people. There are clinics with certified doctors.

I am sure that you are a great person with a beautiful soul who deserves to be happy. Therefore, instead of being sad, you have to be happy that you got rid of your boyfriend. Yes, it’s very sad to be dumped on New Year’s Eve. However, New Year night is over, and there is a new, beautiful year ahead of you where you can meet your true love and build a real relationship where both of you will be happy.

• Everything happens for a reason and perhaps this New Year break up was a sign that enough is enough. Four years is one of the main relationship milestones and more than 40% of relationships are over by that time.

• The first thing you need to do is stop panicking, crying, and talking about your situation. What you really need to do is accept the reality.

Unfortunately, your letter was very short but we have lots of free information in our Broken Heart Section as well as the program “Broken Heart 911” that covers each and every aspect of break up from A to Z.

Just remember two things

1)    Your heart is as broken as you let it be.

2)    Nobody died from a broken heart.

How do you move on from a broken heart? Sometimes, a person is willing to forget about his (her) ex to work on becoming happy and living happily ever after, but he (she) knows that something is holding him (her) back. What is it?

Now, imagine a beautiful boat that is ready to sail. There is a beautiful, promising ocean ahead of this boat. All engines are roaring. However, the boat cannot move. Why? Let’s think…Exactly! The anchor is holding the boat, preventing it from an amazing trip.

While you analyze how to move on from a broken heart, you have to do an inventory of your feelings. Some of your feelings work as your anchor – they prevent you from moving on. What are those feelings?

• Regret – There are many things you might regret – from making a wrong choice to wasting your time, from letting your illusions break to having unprotected sex

• Anger – You might be angry at your ex (because he [she] let you down), at yourself (because you are such a smart person yet you let yourself into this totally predictable situation. Of course, you’d advise against it if something like that would happen to your best friend). You can be angry at your friends and relatives either because they did not predict the situation or because they told you so but you didn’t listen.

• Jealousy – Of course you are jealous! Especially if he (she) dumped you because he (she) fell for someone else. You already built your life around a person and he (she) announced that he (she) is in a relationship (engaged, getting married). And what are you? A piece of trash? How come some time ago, he (she) told you “L” word?

• Fear – The most common fear is not to “love like this” again. You might fear being lonely, going back to the “dating scene”, and much more. You might fear that nobody else will be interested in you as much as your ex was.

You experience many more described and non described negative feelings. The bottom line is that negative thoughts and feelings that are stuck in your head are multiple anchors.

It is totally normal to feel bad. However, it is not normal to be stuck in those feelings for a long time. You have to

1) Do an inventory of your feelings.

2) Write down in very small details what you feel and exactly why (be as specific as possible).

3) Accept the situation.

4) Switch to positive thoughts (if you don’t know how to do it, you can read “How to Heal a Broken Heart”).

Remember, negative feeling that keep you in your past not only ruin your present, but also block your future. The longer you marinate yourself in negativity, the longer it will take to recover.

Do you want to know how to move on from a broken heart? “Delete” your negative thoughts and sail to your beautiful future.

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Dealing with a break up and a broken heart requires skills and knowledge. However, dealing with a break up during the holiday season (and especially New Year’s Eve) requires advanced will power, dedication, and strength. “Everything that does not kill us makes us stronger.”

I was driving to a meeting, December 15^th this year, when a famous LA radio host made a joke about meeting a “break up deadline.” I turned the volume up. “Guys, the official deadline for breaking up has been met. Nobody should break up from today until January 1^st”. “Yeah, right,” was my initial thought….If only it was possible that so many people would remain happy during the holidays.

There are three main reasons why people break up a relationship during the holidays.

1. If a break up is a part of a “New Year’s Resolution.” This is the worst reason because even though this person might not stick to his (her) New Year’s Resolution, the “holiday break up” totally means the END. If it is not the immediate end, then it is definitely the beginning of the end.

2. If your ex associated your relationship with stress and a break up was the only way to get rid of extra stress. This situation can be undone, but it will take time and lots of patience.

3. If your significant other has another significant other and would like to move forward and spend the holidays with that person. There is no comment for this situation because it is quite obvious. There is only one way to deal with this right now – keep your oxygen and move forward.

10 Ways to Deal With a Breakup During the Holidays

1. Avoid mutual friends and his (her) relatives. They will be constant reminders.

2. Stay away from gatherings with couples. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, let me enlighten you – there are much more young, smart, great, good looking, quality people than you can even imagine who spend the holidays by themselves and feel absolutely happy and completed.

3. Do an inventory of your feelings – do you a) feel hurt and miss your significant other or b) do you feel lost and incomplete? If your answer is “b”, then you have to research a different topic because your problem is not the break up, but the inability to feel like a complete person on your own.

4. Have quality time with yourself. Do the same things that couples do, but by yourself. It just sounds weird. In reality it might be lots of …if not fun, but decent time. If you have a budget, book a last minute short trip. A get away is always a great way to heal your broken heart.

5. If you absolutely cannot be by yourself, find a person in your social circle who is neutral and whose company you enjoy. Spend the holidays with that person.

6. Remember that break ups happen more often than you think and you are not the only one in this situation now.

7. Keep in mind that it’s better to be by yourself than in a dysfunctional relationship with a manipulating spouse.

8. The Holidays” is just a label and being by yourself during the holidays is no different than being by yourself during any other day. The main problem is not being by yourself, but feeling unhappy because you are by yourself at this present moment.

9. A Chinese proverb says that “problems are opportunities in working clothes”…you never know. Open your eyes and look around; you never know who you might meet.

10. Happy New Year! Even if you have problems now, the New Year will bring you new, good things if you will be open, positive, and optimistic!

• DEALING WITH LONELINESS DURING THE HOLIDAY
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Surviving a break up for women is a very demanding topic. My friend’s little sister just stopped by. “‘Broken Heart 911’ sounds so depressing…” a happy 18 year old who just entered her first long term relationship wrinkled her nose. “Yes, it is. However, do you know how many people asked ‘Uncle Google’ about surviving a break up and broken heart last month? A very low estimate is more than 200,000 in US. And do you know how much REAL help people get? I’m talking about help where people don’t have to help a psychiatrist to make a living.”

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO IS SURVIVING A BREAK UP, THIS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU.

Main Rules for Surviving a Break Up

• Even though at this moment the whole Universe is spinning around your man, please remember that according to U.S. Census Bureau, there are about 48 million single men that are over 18 in the US. Look at yourself and remember that you deserve the best! Treat yourself with respect.

• A break up is incredibly painful, but stop and re-think about why you are hurt for a minute. Is it because you really love him or because you feel stupid investing so much time in a bubble illusion?

• Don’t let anybody or anything damage your self-esteem! Yes, it is OK that he dumped you. The failure is a success in progress.

• You don’t need anybody “to be completed.” Yes, it is great to have a soul mate. However, if you are in the process of breaking up, it is obvious that HE wasn’t your real partner.

• It is WRONG that your happiness depends on your “significant one.” If your man is aware of the fact that he is the only one who makes you happy, it might be the reason why he is no longer with you. Being the main source of happiness is too much of a responsibility for any man.

• You have to stay focused on keeping yourself in a positive mood. It is hard to do and you need to learn a few secrets, but the results will pay off. Like attracts like and you need to avoid more negative events in your life at any cost. There were situations where a broken heart lead to unemployment and many more unfortunate events.

• You never know what will happen tomorrow which is why you need to concentrate on being happy today. Happiness has nothing to do with having a good relationship.

• If you are breaking up, it means that he was not the one for you. It is better to go through pain now than in ten years after having a mutual household and a couple of kids. If you are married now, imagine how much harder it would be to handle the same situation if you would be ten years older.

• Stop letting “society rules” and “family standards” dictate and pressure you. Yes, it would be ideal to live “happily ever after” and each and every woman dreams about it, but it’s better to be alone than in a dysfunctional and abusive (not necessarily physically, but emotionally) relationship. If your grandmother does not agree with you, let it be your grandmother’s problem. She lived her life; now it’s time for you to live yours.

• Men are wired differently. What seems innocent and deep to you, might seem overwhelming and boring to your man. Also remember that for you, deep intimacy is a sacred way of displaying your love. Well, it might be “just good sex” for a man.

Surviving a break up and healing a broken heart is a necessary and urgent step for women because a broken heart might distract you from being happy in other areas of your life. Your family, friends, and co-workers deserve to be happy with you as well. They have their lives too and they simply don’t deserve seeing your red, swollen eyes and sad face 24/7.

Fixing a broken heart can be easy if you know what needs to be done. Otherwise, you will be spending tons of time, energy, money, and efforts for nothing and will end up with the same, sad, broken result.

To fix a broken heart, you must do the following:

1)    accept the situation

2)    stop swimming and marinating yourself in a pool of negative emotions

3)    switch to a positive mood

4)    understand that he (she) is your ex for a reason

5)    forget your ex

6)    move on

The Broken Heart 911 program explains how to do that in details.

Step One – Accept the Situation

Did you know that the most difficult part of each and every problem is the acceptance of this problem? Your problem seems absolutely unique and unbearable at this moment. However, you should just think that about half a million people break up each day just in the US. You are not alone. It has happened to every person who was dating at least once. If a break up has never happened to someone for some reason, it’s not a good sign at all. Having a broken heart is as natural as having a snowstorm or an earthquake. Some people might successfully avoid it and some people might have a broken heart more often than the flu.

Step Two – Stop Negative Energy

Fixing a broken heart means getting back to your normal, happy mood. You get back to being happy if you are in a bad mood all of the time. If you are charged with bad emotions, the outcome will be bad as well. The situation will not change (we discussed in Step #1 that your situation needs to be accepted) so it is always better to leave negative, irritable, and angry thoughts and actions alone.

Step Three – Switch to a Positive Mood

When you make a conscious decision to stop being negative, you have to get yourself in a good, cheerful, positive, happy mood. It’s very easy to do it if you know techniques. The Broken Heart 911 program describes all those practices in details. A few of the exercises are dedicated to learning how to switch into a great mood, control your thoughts, and feel happy.

Step Four – Understand That He (She) Is Your Ex for a Reason

Fixing a broken heart starts from realization that your beloved ex is an ex for a reason. The post break up state of mind (especially if you did not initiate the break up) has a tendency of remembering mostly the good things about your relationship. Illusions are your worst enemies and you need to remember them. If order to fix your broken heart you need to be a realist – a very strict one.

Step Five – Forget Your Ex

The headline of this step should not mislead you. It does not mean that you should totally forget who your ex is. This is possible only in the case of severe amnesia. What we mean by “forget your ex” is that you have to really pre occupy yourself with different activities that would take your mind off your ex. Sitting around and thinking of how things could’ve turned out differently is a very destructing strategy.

Step Six – Move On

This step is easier said than done. You read this and think “is she crazy? I’m supposed to move on? How can I move on if the only thing I can think of is him (her)?” I know exactly what you are thinking and how you feel. However, there is a formula for everything. If you want to get a job, you have to send out a resume. If you want to lose weight, you have to eat healthy and exercise. If you want to fix a broken heart, you have to move on.

While fixing a broken heart, there are things to remember

1)    Your heart is as broken as you let it be.

2)    Your EX is your EX for a reason

3)    Everybody has had a broke heart at least once.

4)    Life is short and it’s your choice to live it happily or miserably.

5)    Happiness is inside of you; you just have to look deeper and pull it out.