Relationships Jokes

- A MATURE WOMAN is more honest. She’ll call you an idiot and jerk if you are the one…She is not scared to lose you as young woman is.

- A MATURE WOMAN can’t get pregnant unexpectedly and decide that one of two guys has to marry her immediately. If mature woman get pregnant, you’ll be the last one who’ll find out about it!

- A MATURE WOMAN can use red lipstick in the morning without looking like she just ate cherries

- A MATURE WOMAN will be expensive. Young woman can cost you 3 martinis at the bar.

- A MATURE WOMAN runs faster because her shoes are more comfy. She learned to invest in quality accessories.

- A MATURE WOMAN would never suspect that you “use” her…In reality she is the one who uses you

- A MATURE WOMAN will just pick up the phone, call you and ask when you are available. Young woman will be waiting by the phone….

- A MATURE WOMAN will introduce you to her girlfriends. Young woman will hide you from them because they might have some thoughts about……stealing you

- A MATURE WOMAN always has a great collection of underwear…Young women wear underwear very rarely…this fact excludes the possibility of striptease.

- A MATURE WOMAN has a great intuition…You don’t have to tell her about your affair on the side, she already knows it for some reasons

A MATURE WOMANis experienced and understands that you can’t always perform in bed after 10th drink …Young woman needs a while to realize that fact

- A MATURE WOMAN will never tell you that you “stole her best years” because somebody else already did it before you.

• A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!Gotta love that fairy

• Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.

• Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

• She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday…

• Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?A: Trustworthy.

• One day my housework-challenged boyfriend decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
  “It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
  He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
  And they say blondes are dumb…

• A couple is lying in bed.
  The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
  The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

• “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
  “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

• Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
  She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.