Written by Lana ~ The first time I laid eyes on my ex, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. Although after thinking about it for a minute I realized that I haven’t really seen much of the world. I was also chubby and in the middle of a weird phase, so we didn’t hit it of right away. We did become good friends though, and that lasted for two years, during which I lost weight, grew and dyed my hair, and changed my personality quite a bit.
Then, on a normal night of pigging out and watching movies at his house, he kissed me. I could lie and say it was the best kiss in the world, but honestly, the first thing that popped into my head was: “Really? This is what I’ve been waiting for?” I felt nothing, but since I waited for that moment for years, I let myself keep doing it for the next couple of weeks until it consumed me.
After we started officially dating, I gave him my body, and thought we would be together forever. I never imagined my best friend would deceive me in any way, and when it happened the first time, I forgave him without even thinking about it. “It was just a kiss” he said. So I continued to let myself fall deeper.
We did everything together, and I really thought he needed me, until the first time he said “I just don’t feel like having a girlfriend right now.” This break up had me crying for weeks, and on the days I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I called him to hang out “as friends”. Of course to him it was a chance to have sex with me without dealing with commitment.
Finally I got the strength to stay away from him for a couple weeks and before I knew it he wanted me back; I took him back without giving it another thought. Throughout our three year relationship he broke up with me the same way over twenty times and every time, when he came back I gladly accepted him.
Probably because I didn’t think anyone would love me the way he did; I was wrong. Not only was I wrong about that, I was wrong about him, because when I finally got the courage to snoop through his text’s I found the answers I tried so hard to deny in my head.
Yes, he was texting other girls, including his ex girlfriend who he had slept with behind my back numerous times. I was so devastated and furious that I stormed out of his house and told him to never speak to me again. Not too long passed before he was at my door again; this time with flowers. They were so beautiful I had to take him back, but even pretty flowers couldn’t keep us together for long and subconsciously I never really forgave him.
After our third year of breaking up, making up, lying, cheating and pretending that we were okay I went on vacation. I only spent a week in Hawaii with one of my best friends but for some odd reason when I got back home I just didn’t love him anymore. He tried all his old tricks on me but they no longer lit up my heart, and I knew I had to move on.
Sometimes I got lonely and other times when he came to me crying I wanted to just hug him and tell him that everything is okay, and I love him too, but that was no longer true. It’s been years since my break up, and now it’s very hard to look back and understand why I spent so long crying when I could have been happy, but that’s just life I guess.
How bad is it to be a rebound guy? What are your chances that a girl will really like you and eventually fall in love with you? Will she dump you as soon as she will recover of her break up and broken heart? As soon as she wants her ex back? All of those and other questions are probably spinning in your head when you met someone just out of a relationship.
There are good news and bad new for you. The good news is that your woman is in a very fragile emotional condition and if you play your cards right, you might eventually win her over and prove that you are much better then her beloved ex.
The bad news is that in the beginning you will be constantly compared (consciously and unconsciously) to her ex. After a break up has taken place and someone’s heart has been broken, this person’s mind might play a very mean trick – all bad memories might be erased while all great memories might be brought on the surface. That is when the “terribly missing ex” part begins.
Can a rebound guy be “promoted” to the only one? The answer is “absolutely yes”, but it does not happen every time. It is more of an exception. Sometimes a guy does not even realize what is going on. He might have no clue that he is a rebound guy, especially if a woman keeps most details of her previous relationship for herself
So how would someone recognize that he is a rebound guy? There is only one way to go about it – you have to keep yourself informed. You should not be afraid to ask questions. If a woman had her heart broken, she would be more than willing to talk about her former relationship and her ex. If she is too smart and avoids the topic completely, you would still get the sense that something happened from her friends and family.
Another common question is how much time should pass between her break up and her recovery. Well, if she was really in love and she broke up one to six months ago, chances that she is still mourning about her ex are pretty strong. If you don’t want to be her rebound guy, you have to make sure that she already dated (and preferably had sex with) someone after her break up. Then your chances to involve her emotionally are much stronger. Remember, you have no control over a woman, unless she is emotionally intrigued and involved.
If you are looking for a serious relationship, but you understand that she is heart broken and not emotionally available, then the best way is to move on and find someone else who could appreciate you more.
However, if you are not looking for a serious relationship right away, then being a rebound guy might be a win–win situation for both of you. She needs to receive support, increase her self-esteem, erase painful memories, and have a good time. You need to have a good company who will not be emotionally attached and needy. It might work for both of you.
Therefore, if you are a rebound guy and you are fully aware of the situation and agree with it, you have to remember one thing. You have to be gentle, kind, and generous. Don’t be another jerk who gives false promises and runs away. It is better to not say anything than say tons of words and not keep them. Remember, traumatizing a heart broken person is as bad as damaging the emotions of children or elderly people. It will bring you bad karma.
If you decide to be a rebound guy, be gentle. If you date a woman and find out that you are the rebound guy, then you have to think twice before making your decision.
Fixing a broken heart can be easy if you know what needs to be done. Otherwise, you will be spending tons of time, energy, money, and efforts for nothing and will end up with the same, sad, broken result.
1) accept the situation
2) stop swimming and marinating yourself in a pool of negative emotions
3) switch to a positive mood
4) understand that he (she) is your ex for a reason
5) forget your ex
6) move on
The Broken Heart 911 program explains how to do that in details.
Step One – Accept the Situation
Did you know that the most difficult part of each and every problem is the acceptance of this problem? Your problem seems absolutely unique and unbearable at this moment. However, you should just think that about half a million people break up each day just in the US. You are not alone. It has happened to every person who was dating at least once. If a break up has never happened to someone for some reason, it’s not a good sign at all. Having a broken heart is as natural as having a snowstorm or an earthquake. Some people might successfully avoid it and some people might have a broken heart more often than the flu.
Step Two – Stop Negative Energy
Fixing a broken heart means getting back to your normal, happy mood. You get back to being happy if you are in a bad mood all of the time. If you are charged with bad emotions, the outcome will be bad as well. The situation will not change (we discussed in Step #1 that your situation needs to be accepted) so it is always better to leave negative, irritable, and angry thoughts and actions alone.
Step Three – Switch to a Positive Mood
When you make a conscious decision to stop being negative, you have to get yourself in a good, cheerful, positive, happy mood. It’s very easy to do it if you know techniques. The Broken Heart 911 program describes all those practices in details. A few of the exercises are dedicated to learning how to switch into a great mood, control your thoughts, and feel happy.
Step Four – Understand That He (She) Is Your Ex for a Reason
Fixing a broken heart starts from realization that your beloved ex is an ex for a reason. The post break up state of mind (especially if you did not initiate the break up) has a tendency of remembering mostly the good things about your relationship. Illusions are your worst enemies and you need to remember them. If order to fix your broken heart you need to be a realist – a very strict one.
The headline of this step should not mislead you. It does not mean that you should totally forget who your ex is. This is possible only in the case of severe amnesia. What we mean by “forget your ex” is that you have to really pre occupy yourself with different activities that would take your mind off your ex. Sitting around and thinking of how things could’ve turned out differently is a very destructing strategy.
Step Six – Move On
This step is easier said than done. You read this and think “is she crazy? I’m supposed to move on? How can I move on if the only thing I can think of is him (her)?” I know exactly what you are thinking and how you feel. However, there is a formula for everything. If you want to get a job, you have to send out a resume. If you want to lose weight, you have to eat healthy and exercise. If you want to fix a broken heart, you have to move on.
2) Your EX is your EX for a reason
3) Everybody has had a broke heart at least once.
4) Life is short and it’s your choice to live it happily or miserably.
5) Happiness is inside of you; you just have to look deeper and pull it out.
Before you forgive someone, you need to clearly understand what forgiveness really means. When we suggest forgiving your ex, it does not mean that you have to completely forget what he (she) has done to you and how hurt you were after the breakup. Also, your forgiveness will not justify someone’s bad actions.
You need to say to yourself, “I won’t let it happen again.” You can dedicate your life to prevent further damage. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to find that person and speak to him (her) again. It also does not mean that you have to get your ex back even though you might think, “I want my ex back so bad and I want to date my ex again.”
Forgiveness is an act that takes place in your heart moving you towards freedom and away from pain, anger, jealousy, and other emotions that you’ve carried for a while.
Forgiveness is a long process for the majority of people. It you were hurt a lot after a break up, forgiveness might take many long years.
How to forgive your ex
You have to repeat this exercise quietly, until you will be able to forgive your ex.
The most important thing is to not experience bad emotions while you are doing this. It will take time, but you’ll be able to forgive your ex and make your life happy. “But I want my ex back” is the thought is spinning in your mind. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe that’s why “your ex” is “your ex” and not your present.
If you want to have an amazing love life and relationships, you have to forgive your ex in order to move on. Your bad feelings, pain, and insults are like an anchor that prevents you from sailing forward towards your new life. So therefore, forgive your ex!
I know exactly how you feel…I’ve been there and I pulled many young ladies out of there. I know what you want to do now, and ONLY if you want to get stuck in this terrible condition for a long time, can you cry, drink, eat comfort food, call up your “group of support from girlfriends, gay friends, and relatives” and listen to “I-told-you-he-is-a-jerk” opinions for days. Oh, romantic movies and music with antidepressants would complete the picture. And you can stop reading this post right here.
However, if you WOULD LIKE TO FEEL GREAT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and move forward, you have to stick to the “I WILL BE THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD” plan.
I always compare going through a break up with losing weight because it is easy to gain and absolutely hard to lose.
It’s easy to let yourself go and swim in love, and hard to accept the fact that it’s over. So, you should
1. Accept that “this is over”.
2. Realize that this is YOUR LIFE and YOUR LIFE is about YOUR HAPPINESS, and YOU ARE in charge of making yourself happy.
3. Stop going inside your head from picturing thousands of ways to murder your ex to imagining your three beautiful kids graduating from the college if you (didn’t do, didn’t say, didn’t want, or he didn’t do, didn’t say, didn’t ….)
4. Understand that like attracts like so if you are sad, angry, or jealous you’ll get more of the same, so you need to stick to something that makes you feel good.
5. Stop “spreading the dirt on the glass” – chewing the broken heart gum and talking to friends. You’ll have an aftertaste after those conversations anyways.
6. Know that it will take time to get over, and this is the perfect time for doing something good. Remember, behind every successful woman stays someone who has pissed her off.
7. Be familiar with the concept that it’s not a good idea to date someone else at this “recovery time”. You won’t meet the love of your life – just attract another sad individual who’d match your own feelings.
8. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Yes, you lost your boyfriend/husband but some people lose their own lives, and people they love.
9. Figure out what you hated in your ex and what you hate in men in general. Write it down. Now based on what you’ve written write what you want. Isn’t this person is much better then your ex? Just wait, if you really want a person like this, you’ll attract him eventually.
10. Resize your ego. 99 percent of the break up is not about losing him but is about getting hurt. The bigger your ego, the longer the recovery.
“Can I remain friends with my ex? “
Well, you can do whatever you would like to do after break up because you have only one life and it’s your choice how to live your life after the end of relationships.
But please, don’t trick yourself. Asking about being friends with your ex, women most of the time really mean if it’s ok for them to see their exes and play it cool with very secret hope of “winning” their ex back.
Now let’s figure out what do you really want. Do you want to be happy? Then you should remember that life is about moving forward, not backwards. Do you want to scratch your ego? Some women spend tons of efforts and energy on getting ex back only to serve to their huge ego. Would those women reach happiness at the end?
When I’m asked if someone should remain friends with her ex, I usually ask back, “should you eat cakes three times a day to lose weight?” If your main goal to heal your broken heart, become happy and move forward toward real love you deserve, then being friends and seeing your ex will keep you stuck in the unresolved situation.
Personally I believe in friendship between exes only in very rare situations. The friendship is possible when both ex partners have no romantic feelings and/or sexual attraction. Instead, they would have many mutual interests. But if you still have feelings for your ex, then cut the communication and run away.
If you are the one who dumped your ex, then first of all I’m not sure how you ended up on this site and second of all it won’t be fair toward your ex. What means “friendship” for you, might mean “false hope” for him.
Even in regular life I believe in friendship between man and woman only if there is no mutual attraction. If one person is secretly hopes to win another person over, it’s not exact definition of friendship. As a wise man told me once, “The friendship between man and woman is called a relationship…and if the friendship is becoming too strong, then it gets upgraded to marriage.” I agree with that man, but again, it’s my personal opinion plus lots and lots of experience (mine as well as my clients)
There is a little “friendship story.” I’ll call people I’m going to talk about “The Guy” and “The Girl.” In the beginning they had a mutual friend, but then became friends in their own. When they met, they liked different people and had no chemistry what so ever. “He is a great guy, I wish I could feel something,” thought The Girl who was so much into another, emotionally unavailable guy.
The Guy and The Girl spent lots of time together and even went on a trip. They were happy, enjoyed and respected each other’s company, shared secrets, discussed their dates, laughed a lot, called each other any time they wanted, went out almost every weekend…till one time the guy made a move.
To make long story short…they had sex. Then they started to date because they hoped the situation to work out. Then they broke up because in reality they still both liked different people. The break up was painful, and they never could be friends again.
Of course, each particular situation is different and there are no general opinions and rules. However, if you would like to quit smoking it’s better not to carry cigarettes. If you want to heal your broken heart is safer to stay away from your ex. If he’s “the one” for you, he wouldn’t be called your ex by now, would he?”
Reason #5 – What the hell did you fall in love with anyway?
When did Prince Charming become selfish, cruel, mean and disrespectful to you? When did you start blaming yourself for the misery he was causing you? He made you feel as though your problems with him were your fault. He brainwashed you into believing what he wanted you to believe about him – that he was a nice, generous, kind, funny and loving man who could never hurt you.
This doesn’t mean that you were a stupid person. You were just a woman with a warm heart and open arms wanting to love a man and to be loved for who you are.
Have you ever bought yourself something expensive – like a new car or a diamond ring? Remember how those sales people treated you the minute you walked through their door? They were ready to kiss your feet, but you made them to kiss your ass to make a sale.
As soon as you handed over your money, the sale was completed and out the door you went, and wham, they could not care less about you. Of course, not all sales people are so cold. Some would provide you with their best service for as long as you own that car or wear your diamond ring.
Were you getting the “best service” from your boyfriend? Or was your Prince Charming occasionally offering his Monthly Special, like dinner and a movie on the last Saturday of the month? The Monster who spent the other thirty days the month with you was revealing his true character to you the entire time you were together but you refused to trust your instincts that told you something was wrong with him.
What do you want from a man? A Monster for thirty days and a Prince Charming for 24 hours? Don’t you deserve Prince Charming each and every day of your life?
If you want that Monster, then be my guest. You can stop reading now. You can always read this later after he breaks your heart all over again.
Reason #3 – Remember the Beauty of the Broken Vase.
When you break a vase,you gather all the pieces together and glue them back in place like a puzzle. But as soon as you pour water into the vase, it will start leaking. A broken relationship is just like a broken vase.
Reason #4 – Your relationship was not a waste. You were in training, but didn’t know that at the time.
Just as we learn from every person in our life, we also learn something from every event that transpires. Life’s lessons are taught to us every day. We may not recognize what we are learning at that particular moment and time, but make no mistake about it: We are always learning.
When you go to a restaurant and a waiter brings your steak in a skillet, and tells you not to touch the plate because it’s hot, you touch it anyway and burn your finger and scream, “That IS hot!” Why did you touch it after you were told not to? There could be several reasons. Maybe you didn’t believe him. Maybe you wanted to see just how hot it really was. The point is this – you learned something from the experience.
The expression EVERYTHING THAT DOESN’T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER is true.
Accept the fact that the time you spent in the relationship that ended abruptly taught you more things than you can ever imagine about your man in particular, men in general, and about the type of woman you really are.
You will never forget that look on his face and the words he spoke that made you cry. You will never let any man treat you the same way again because you have learned about who you are from the relationship that you just had.
The entire time you were with him, you thought you had found a boyfriend, but what you really found was a treadmill for your soul. He was exercise equipment and nothing more. Now that he is gone and it is over between two of you, you can look back on this episode as having been a wonderful training lesson to prepare you for your ONE TRUE LOVE, who you have not yet met. Your soul will be better prepared next time. All the tears you cried over him were a down payment on the longer lasting and loving relationship that you deserve.