A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,” she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married …. He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married …. You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married …. When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married …. The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married …. He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married …. He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married …. He develops a “blank” stare.
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I have a boyfriend, so I started reading Cosmo Magazine for tips. Here’s a tip: don’t do that.
Here’s a big thing if you’re dating or in a relationship: for God’s sake, communicate with one another. It’s so essential to any good relationship. Let me tell you what happened in my relationship. Six months into the relationship, I find out she only speaks Spanish.
When two people meet they have that initial spark, that magic. That’s called love at first sight. When only one person has it, that’s called stalking. I know that now.
Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types
Some Men are Like…
They’re cute at first, but you soon tire of picking up their crap.
- Remote controls.
Chances are you’ll find them lying by the TV.
- Parking spaces at a popular mall.
The good ones are all taken.
In order to get their attention, you must first turn them on.
- Fine wine.
They take a long time to mature.
If they sit too long, they become lumpy.
They run at the first sign of tears.
They on appear only when there is food on the table.
Only moving objects get their attention.
They take up too much space on the bed..
- Some Women are Like… Poop.
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
All are beautiful, but they are cold as ice.
Everything is stored in long-term memory for easy retrieval later on.
They are cuddly and playful, but watch out when their claws come out!
They love to repeat things.
When Women Say N0
What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)
- I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on “Hee Haw.”)
- There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
- I’m not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
- My life is too complicated right now. (I’m waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
- I’ve got a boyfriend. (I’d rather stay home alone.)
- I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
When Men Say No
What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)
- I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
- There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
- I’m not attracted to you in that way. (You’re ugly.)
- My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
- I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)