Jokes About Men
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- Marriage brings music to a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Before criticizing your wife’s faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!!
A policeman learns a quick science lesson.
There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”
A lawyer and and engineer meet while on a fishing trip.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.
A newlywed couple establishes some ground rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night.. whether you’re here or not.”
A man moves to a nudist colony and needs to send home a picture of his new place without letting people know he’s a nudist.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says… “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!”
Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you’ll find your relationship with women greatly improved.
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men’s last name never changes.
Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.
Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”
- Why do men die before their wives? They should.
- What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
- How does a man keep his youth? By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
- Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it’s never used.
- What do UFO’s and caring men have in common? You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
QUIZ: ARE YOU A REAL MAN?
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.
If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.
MALE STAGES IN LIFE
17 – beer
25 – vodka
35 – scotch
48 – double scotch
66 – Maalox
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – German Shepherd
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – Barbie
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66