- “I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
- “Let’s take your car.” Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
- “Woman driver.” Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
- “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.” Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
- “It’s a guy thing.” Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
- “Can I help with dinner?” Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
- “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
- “Good idea.” Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
- “Have you lost weight?” Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
- “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
- “It would take too long to explain.” Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”
- “I’m getting more exercise lately.” Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
- “I got a lot done.” Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
- “We’re going to be late.” Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
- “Hey, I’ve read all the classics.” Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
- “You cook just like my mother used to.” Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
- “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
- “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.“
- “That’s interesting, dear.” Really means…. “Are you still talking?”
- “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”
- “You expect too much of me.” Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”
- “It’s a really good movie.” Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
- “That’s women’s work.” Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
- “Will you marry me?” Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
- “Go ask your mother.” Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”
- “You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
- “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
- “Football is a man’s game.” Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”
- “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
- “I do help around the house.” Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
- “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
- “I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
- “What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”
- “What do you mean, you need new clothes?” Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
- “She’s one of those rabid feminists.” Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”
- “But I hate to go shopping.” Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
- “No, I left plenty of gas in the car.” Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”
- “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.” Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
- “I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
- “You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
- “You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
- “I brought you a present.” Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
- “I missed you.” Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
- “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
- “We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
- “This relationship is getting too serious.” Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”
- “I recycle.” Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
- “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.” Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
- “It sure snowed last night.” Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
- “It’s good beer.” Really means…. “It was on sale.”
- “I don’t need to read the instructions.” Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
- “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.” Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustated and buy a new one.”
- “I broke up with her.” Really means…. “She dumped me.”
- “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
99 REASONS BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. Hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
21. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
27. You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn’t look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn’t get cramps.
37. Beer doesn’t have a mother.
38. Beer doesn’t have morals.
39. Beer doesn’t go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don’t go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn’t demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won’t run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn’t have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn’t need much closet space.
50. Beer can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn’t make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn’t pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other beers.
66. Beer doesn’t wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn’t mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn’t live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn’t blow you off.
72. Beer doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn’t mind football season.
75. A beer won’t make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a woman.
77. A beer doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
79. A beer doesn’t give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are “cute”.
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won’t smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won’t raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.