Relationship Jokes

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

One day my housework-challenged boyfriend decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
And they say blondes are dumb…

A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy

This clip is for women only. Stressed out? Can’t take anymore? Cheer up! Modern medicine has the solution. Wonder drugs for girls only. St. Mom’s Wort, Empty Nestrogen, Pepto-Bimbo, Dumerol, Buyagra and Sexcedrin–think of these new drugs as mommy’s little helpers.

Bigger is better, that’s the American way! Make it bigger — that’s what I always say!

Learn to Read the Signs

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, “Mother of Six,” in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.

Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home, Mother of Six?’

Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff’s lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, ‘Anytime you’re ready, “Father of Four

Ten Short Relationship Jokes

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
Love is grand… Divorce is 75 grand.
Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. – Swedish Proverb
Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. – Leo Buscaglia
Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. – Miles Franklin
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh!’ he whispered. ‘Yes, Piglet?’ ‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’ – A.A. Milne
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne W. Dyer
Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Anonymous
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin

Edwin and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set. However, when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Edwin based his demand for an annulment.

“It’s like this, your Honor,” answered Edwin. “I’ve just learned that Cheryl’s father never had a license to carry a gun.”

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”

Extra Office Work

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?” The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?” Shouts the doctor.
“Getting a second opinion!”

Marriage Lessons

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

How to Get Rid of Roaches

How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.

Oh Human Sexuality – When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

Sleeping with a Man Like a Soap Opera – Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…