The Ages Of Women
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?
A WOMAN’S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS
- A mink in the closet,
- A Jaguar in the garage,
- A tiger in the bedroom,
- And an ass to pay for it all!
The Female Stages of Life
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses for refusing dates:
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Definition of successful date:
17: “Burger King”
25: “Free meal”
35: “A diamond”
48: “A bigger diamond”
66: “Home Alone”
17: tall, dark and handsome
25: tall, dark and handsome with money
35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66: a man
17: Muffy the cat
25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
Ideal age for marriage:
17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
- Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
- Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, ‘It’s there in the Bible’. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
- Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
- Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
- The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.
- Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
- Personally, I think if a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s 24, she may be lucky.
- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.
- When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he’s dead.
- The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
- Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.
- If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by up to 90%.
- It’s called wedding cake
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”